I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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