he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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