last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
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Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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