There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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