I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize