i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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