How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
