Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
