Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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