why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
