I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
