Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This toilet bowl is my home.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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