My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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