you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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