Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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