I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
