You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
