between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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