if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
