Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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