he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
