I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
