he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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