Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
