dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
