I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
