You can't motorboat a personality
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
