you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
