I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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