we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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