the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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