I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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