see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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