dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
