I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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