People in love make me want to vomit
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
