peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
