Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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