Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
