I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
