just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
