he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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