***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
