I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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