do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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