Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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