I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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