She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
