you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
it's great music for shaving your balls
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
