fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
