I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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