Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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