At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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