I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
