My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
